Sahra's Birthday Presents
by Sullen Kitty
Summary: Oneshot. It's my birthday and I go a little stir-crazy with Harry and Sev. SLASH WARNING. Rated for language.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything remotely related to Harry Potter. Dammit.

Title: Sahra's Birthday Presents

Summary: Sev and Harry indulge me as a birthday present.

A/N: Clearly it is way past my birthday, but as I am only now uploading it, enjoy! XD

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"What I don't get," Severus says grumpily, "is why _I_ have to play such a ridiculous part in this."

I look at him in surprise. "Well, because, Sev, it's my birthday and I feel a bit of hilarity coming on."

"It hasn't already? You're quite sure?"

I laugh and swat his arm. "Ah, Sev, that's why I love you."

He glances up at me irritably from his book – _700 Ways to Relish the Unforgivable Curses_. "Because I so obviously want to be here?"

"No, because you're such a sarcastically-witted being that one can not help but be amused by you."

His ego sort of soothed by this, he returns to his book, smirking every once in a while when he encounters a particularly gruesome passage.

I will not ask him to show me, as he will demonstrate what he is reading and he has killed me before with a look of utter bliss on his face.

Not that I didn't drop a two-ton plushie on him at our next meeting, but still…

Our thoughts are interrupted by Harry racing in and slamming the door behind him. He is more disheveled than usual – half of his clothes are ripped or torn to shreds.

"Fangirls," he answers to Severus's questioning look. And to our smirks he says, "Shut the bloody hell up. _You_," addressing me, "set them on me."

I attempt to look innocent – and fail, because I am still grinning. "I did not."

"Snape? Who controls this story?" he asks, magically mending his robes.

He glances up from his book to see what he is doing. "She does – and don't mend them, you look better with hardly anything on." His face grows ashen as he realizes what he just said and he immediately turns to give me a horrified glare.

I smirk and twirl my pencil between my fingers. "Don't cross me. I don't think you two are up to shagging each other… _again_."

They stare at me, aghast. "When did we do that?!" Harry demands, while Severus looks as if he will be sick any minute.

"Oh, you both were drunk at the time, I don't think you remember. But the fangirls do," I say cheerfully.

Severus makes a sound indicating that he has perhaps thrown up a little, but chokes it back. He says in a hoarse voice, "You… you wrote that?"

"Not yet. Just felt like messing with you." I beam at them. "But don't worry. I will. And I will personally make sure you enjoy it to the fullest."

Harry retches loudly in a corner. I look vaguely at the mess and with a wave of my magic spork-wand it is gone. Then I say, "Well, now that you're both here, can you guess why?"

"Some horrid form of torture, I imagine," Severus says, bored, as Harry bobs his head in agreement.

I wag my finger at him. "BLEEP! Sev, you knew the answer! It's my birthday! And _you two_," I say, looking slyly at them, "are my birthday present."

Severus drops his book; Harry looks as if he will puke again. "Oh no…"

"Oh yes," I say firmly, absolutely delighted and clearly reveling in the horror of the moment. "You two will do whatever I tell you to do today."

"Fuck," Severus finally spits out.

I clap my hands giddily. "If you wish."

"No-! Sahra, I didn't mean that-!" he protests as I menacingly pick up my pencil. "You know I didn't mean it like that! Hell, I'd rather do you than him!"

Harry looks offended as I beam. "You're so sweet, Sev."

He looks relieved.

"What the hell do you mean, you'd rather screw her than me, you worthless sexy piece of man meat??" Harry shouts. He claps his hand over his mouth, looking stricken, before I can make him say anything else.

"Shall I make Sev go over to remove your hand and tenderly kiss you?" I ask sweetly.

He grudgingly lowers his hand. "Please don't make me say that again."

"But you guys are so cute together! Don't you know how many fanfictions there are with you two as a couple? Over a thousand – probably over two million in the world!" I exclaim.

Severus looks appalled. "People besides you actually write about me and Potter?"

I sigh. "You have no idea how devirginized you are in most stories, Harry." Then I round on Severus. "And we fangirls really hope there's some warmth towards Harry in you, Sev, besides what we put there."

Harry looks ashamed for his other self while Severus snarls, "There isn't."

I sigh again. "Then I guess I'll have to get on with the story, won't I?" As they tense up, I add, "There isn't a point in trying to kill me – or stealing my notebook. I come back to life and I don't really care who I'm with – I love Hogwarts. There are so many hot guys here."

They sit back.

"Damn it all."

"Merlin."

"What if I go for her head?" Harry suggests.

"Because, Potter, she would make out with you in a heartbeat – and I would not wish that on anyone, even you." Severus shudders.

The corner of my mouth twitches. "I find that completely uncalled for, Severus, especially on my birthday."

"But it's true."

I frown. "Really? You hate me that much?"

"Ye – no, Sahra, I love you and I want to marry you," Severus says before he realizes what is happening.

"WHAT? BUT SHE'S MINE!" Harry shouts. He, too, is slow on the uptake.

I grin, elated. "You guys are fighting over me? This is the best birthday EVER!" I squeal, spinning around in my swivel chair.

"NO!" they shout simultaneously. "YOU MADE US SAY THAT!"

Severus goes off in a spasm of profanity.

After he has calmed down, I ask, "Better?"

His response is a glare.

I shrug. "Mkay. YAOI TIME!"

And they kiss.

I rub my hands together gleefully. "This is where the real birthday present begins," I whisper as the two make out.

**-****FIN****-**

**I hope everyone enjoyed this – I know I did.**

**Happy birthday to me!**


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